I believe we can find joy in all ages and circumstances.
My friend Mikael Palm‘s summary of all the following rules is: Just do it. Go for it!
Here are my opinions. Would you agree? Your thoughts?
- Prepare for responsibility by working hard & balancing your life.
- Prepare for healthy social relations by living a virtuous life.
- Date in groups at first, and see how people treat others.
- Date on neutral ground, in public spaces, with healthy activities.
- Form a clear opinion of the character qualities you like.
- Only date people who live by solid, compatible principles.
- Have fun doing ordinary things: real life is made of this!
- Don’t splash the cash! We won’t be impressed with that.
- Keep it casual. Agree on basic standards & expectations.
- If someone dates your friend, that’s not a judgement between you! It might just have been more convenient to ask them first.
- If someone dated you and then someone else, that’s not to say they don’t like you or won’t be interested in the future!
- If nobody is dating you, that says nothing about you. You just haven’t met the right person yet, or a group that sees your light.
- If everyone wants to date you that says little about you: You might just look cool in the current local culture among friends!
- Dating is training ground for making your own social decisions. It’s an invitation to grow. People change (but often not much!)
- Find out what your friends like doing & try it out even if you’re bad at it! Let your hair down & laugh at your own mistakes.
- Only switch gears from dating to courtship when it’s clear both are ready for that. It’s best not to be serious at all, too young.
- Growing up together gives huge advantages in understanding each other’s true character. Use that advantage! Start there.
- Don’t expect to find your perfect other half on the other side of the planet if you aren’t prepared to look locally first & learn!
- Don’t expect perfection unless you are already perfect! In which case, you won’t expect perfection because it doesn’t exist here.
- Don’t pretend to be perfect because you’re not! You might only become so, one step at a time. That’s what life is all about.
- When dating casually (or even in courtship), where possible, financial contributions should come equally from both sides. This rule is not set in stone (it might depend on relative financial means, who you’re with, where the activity is hosted, or what you’re doing: but settle expectations transparently in advance with your date and make sure everyone is comfortable & nobody is pressured to spend money they don’t have!) Maintain equal relationships. Be transparent about money from the outset. Don’t let the relationship be about money. Spend as little as possible, and stay out of debt!
If you want to be interesting:
- Do interesting things, both individually & together. Sports, music, study, work, making a meal or picnic, or doing chores can be fun.
- Don’t be afraid of imperfection. You won’t be perfect, either alone or together! Accept this, be the best you can, and have fun.
- Relationships are more like riding a bike than passing an exam. Just get on and ride it! Get used to making your own decisions.
- The truth is: we can only reach our full potential with other people who encourage us to be our best selves. Find those people!
Summer is an ideal time when the pressure is off with school, and most young people are available to spend time in the sunshine & fresh air, in friendly & relaxed public spaces. Many indoor activities are also available as poor weather options or contingencies.
If it takes courage to ask a girl for a date or if you feel like dating is a minefield where you can go wrong in 200 different ways; you’re doing it wrong. Just choose a sensible & normal activity, and invite! If they say no then try something else, learn, & have fun!
If you’re struggling to choose who to ask first, make a shortlist and number your options. Toss a coin or roll a die. If one option becomes available before another, take your chance! Starting somewhere is better, and more fun than not starting!
If you prefer a systematic approach, consider whose standards are most compatible with yours, for example:
- Moral intelligence, ethical principles, & courage to stand by their principles. Might you build on the same moral foundation, from a position of mutual respect?
- Emotional & social intelligence: do you feel comfortable around each other or the same people? How do they handle social life? Surprise? Disappointment? Stress?
- Intellectual balance: can you hold an interesting conversation, or maintain balance while arguing to reach a common decision? Might your strengths be complementary?
Dating is cross-cultural.
You might think you come from the same town, country, & general culture; but your families grew up with their own subtly different communication styles. How can you bridge the gaps & hazards between those styles?
Per Erin Meyer’s “The Culture Map”, and the general recommendations of cross-cultural communication experts:
Where possible, use low-context communication. Keep things simple & explicit. Don’t hint, expect the other person to guess what you mean, and then fault them for not understanding!
For example: if you’re not sure whether your point will be understood don’t decline a date by saying,
“Oh sorry, I’m washing my hair that night!” If you really mean:
“Actually I’m not interested in dating you. I’m already quite sure that you’re not my type.” And then fault a young man’s communication style for asking whether another night would work better for you!
Likewise: don’t pretend not to be interested when you actually are, or vice-versa; those silly games just confuse and inconvenience people. It’s acceptable (perhaps even necessary, in the game of mutual exploration) to exercise a degree of strategic ambiguity while mutually developing objectives & exploring the quality of the match; but don’t cross the line from ambiguity into pretence or allow anyone else to misrepresent your views & intentions. It’s fine to take your time to make your mind up, in fact: that’s almost the whole point of dating.
Dating involves a degree of control from both sides, and a degree of cultural exploration. Enjoy dating. Expect dating to change you. You may see other people’s cultures in new ways. You may come to understand them, and learn to love aspects of their family culture!
Decide on your core standards before dating, and stand by your standards: don’t allow your date to violate your red lines. Be flexible on less important questions, and enjoy exploring and discovering new cultural insights: you might not marry the person you’re dating, but the insights you gain from doing so might help you become a better person, find the right person to marry, and stay happily married.
Finally, when ready to pair off and choose a spouse:
“Choose your love, and love your choice.”
You can decide which standards to apply. These are my recommendations!